Each person has a different primary love language. Often, we do not know what ours is, or even what our partner's is. Therefore, we unknowingly act in contrast with our partner's love language, and are unsuccessful in showing him/her love in the way that he/she wants to receive it. This can thus lead to problems in a relationship, sometimes leading to feelings of confusion, resentment, or feeling unloved and unappreciated. When I have clients coming in for couples counseling or to work on relationship issues, I often ask them to take the love language assessment. I have found it is important to understand what both yours and your partner's is. You may have some love languages close in rank, but it is still helpful to know what they are. The five love languages are: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, and receiving gifts. Let's take a look at them below!
Acts of Service
The things you do to ease the responsibilities and burdens of your partner. It means a lot for someone to go out of their way to do something for someone else, such as making a sacrifice or compromise. Actions speak louder than words!
Examples:
Doing the dishes or laundry
Washing their car
Running errands for them
Fixing things around the house
Helping out with a project or task
Doing things without being ask
Sacrificing what you want in order to do for them
Actions to avoid:
Laziness
Broken commitments
Making more work for them
Receiving Gifts
Gifts and gestures show that you are acknowledged, loved and cared for. They thrive on the thoughtfulness and effort behind the visual and material representation of love.
Examples:
Engagement ring
Flowers
Memento from a meaningful date
Bringing home their favorite food, dessert, dinner, etc.
A trip to a place that they've always wanted to go
An item that they have talked about wanting
The gift of yourself
Actions to avoid:
Missing a birthday or anniversary
Thoughtless gifts
Words of Affirmation
Expressing your love in sincere words and explaining the reasons why (i.e., saying "I love you" and sharing the reason behind why)
Examples:
Telling them the reasons you love them
Tell others how great your partner is in front of them
Notes of appreciation and love
Sending loving text messages
Compliments
Acknowledge their efforts or what they do something you like
Actions to avoid:
Insults
Criticism
Physical Touch
Importance of physical presence and accessibility. They love to receive hugs, holding of hands and to be close to one another.
Examples:
Cuddling
Holding hands
Kissing
Sexual intimacy
Touch as you walk by
Playing with their hair
Rubbing their feet, massage, etc.
Sitting close to one another
Reassuring touch
Actions to avoid:
Neglect
Abuse of any kind
Quality Time
Spending time together -- being present and giving them your undivided attention.
Examples:
Going for a walk and talking about your day
Meeting for lunch
Taking a weekend trip away just the two of you
Spending time with your children as a family
Preplanned thoughtful date
Family vacation
Quality conversation
Working out together
Cooking together
Actions to avoid:
Distractions
Postponed dates
Not listening
Click here to take your love language assessment! Have your partner take it too. You may purchase Gary Chapman's book 5 Love Languages on my book list page. I highly recommend reading it to to help improve your partnership and gain more understanding of yourself and your loved one.
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